Quest for The Biggoron's sword
by link50
Summary: Link goes on a quest for the Biggoron's Sword.
1. The Quest Begins

This is the first fanfic (or whatever you would call this) that I have ever written. With that in mind, please don't make massive flaming about how horrible I am. So onto the story  
  
Disclaimer: Last time I checked I do not own Zelda.  
  
Link's Quest for The Biggoron's sword  
  
Chapter 1  
  
One day, link was in the forest training to become better for whatever reason and he was thinking about how weak he was. He wanted to be even better than he was but he had been training so much lately and it didn't seem to be helping. Link glared down at his puny little sword he was holding and thought.  
  
Maybe it's my sword. But what other sword is out there?  
  
Then he recalled a time when he heard someone talking about a legend of a sword called The Biggoron's Sword. He remembers something about how it was the most powerful sword in all of Hyrule, but it's extremely hard to get.  
  
Well at that time, link was feeling adventurous and thought he could take on a challenge.  
  
Link: Okay, now where to start.. No one ever told me anything about how to get it. Well, I guess this is cheating but,  
  
*link pulls out his pocket sized guide to The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time*  
  
Link: Okay, now, lets see what it says  
  
Getting Biggoron's Sword Requirements: Epona  
  
Link: Damnit! I'm not that far in the game yet! Well I bet I can make do without that little rat.  
  
Link reads on:  
  
To obtain the..blah..blah.complete many steps..blah...two hands..so you cannot use an equipped shield to defend yours-  
  
Link: WHAT?!? NO SHEILD?!? What kind of sword is that? I really need a shield too. *Link glances down at the many wounds he has around his body*  
  
Blah..blah..double the range.twice the damage...follow the steps..crap.  
  
Link: Okay, lets see what it says here:  
  
Talk to the cucco women in Kakariko Village  
  
Link: Okay, now where the hell is Kakarioko Village? Oh maybe this sign can tell me  
  
*Link studies the sign for approx. 20 minutes and finally comes to a conclusion*  
  
Link: Crap it's in Yiddish!  
  
Then he suddenly notices an old lady sitting on a rock nearby.  
  
*Link pulls the lady up and drags her to the sign*  
  
Link: Can you read this?  
  
Old lady: Hmmm.. No... no English.. Me Yiddish.  
  
Link: Yes, I can tell, but can you tell me- Oh.. Great... she speaks Yiddish.. And she..  
  
Oh man!  
  
Link (shouts): CAN ANYONE HERE SPEAK YIDDISH?!?  
  
His voice echoes throughout the land.  
  
The Echo responds back: NO!  
  
Well, I guess I'll end the first chapter here. I kind of wrote this for fun just to see what people would think. I am getting tired of writing now so I'll just end it here and I'll continue it if: People like it I want to  
  
I guess that was pretty bad and it probably was. I'm not expecting to get good reviews, but heck, you never know.  
  
So, C-ya around! I guess.. 


	2. Chapter 2 To Kakariko Village and Beyond

Chapter 2 - To Kakariko Village and Beyond  
  
Link: Well, I guess I'll just go this way.  
  
After about 4 minutes of walking, link gets to Kakariko village.  
  
Link: Now where is this cucoo lady.. Oh, here's a cocoo farm thing and theirs a lady so I guess this is her.  
  
Lady: I made a new type a miniature cocoo! It's called the pocket cocoo! But I need someone to babysit it for me because I don't have the time. Do you think you could do me a favor and hold onto it for a while?  
  
Link: Hell no! Oh wait, I guess I have no choice because the game never asked.  
  
Link: Sure, I'll take care of it!  
  
*Link gets handed the egg*  
  
Link: OH CRAP THIS THING BITES HARD!!!!  
  
Cucoo lady: It's still in it's egg  
  
Link: Oh, sure, but it was one of those telepathic bites.. You know those kind where they use their mind to bite you..  
  
Cucoo lady: OH SURE! Those kinds! Get them all the time! .  
  
Link: Okay, now lets see what the guide says here  
  
Let the egg hatch by playing the Sun's Song  
  
Link: Sounds easy enough  
  
Let's see here at what songs I have  
  
Zelda's lullaby, and- oh.. Crap.. That's the only song I have. Well I can take the second option  
  
Wait for the next morning:  
  
*Link goes to bed*  
  
Link wakes up to find to cucoo running around the ground cooing happily  
  
Next step:  
  
Wake talon up with the cucoo  
  
Sounds easy enough  
  
Okay, cucoo, go get him!  
  
COOOO! COOOO! COOOO!  
  
WAAAAAKKKK!! WWAAKK! WWAAKKK!!  
  
Talon: WHAT THE HELL?!?  
  
Link: Hey, thanks for your time!  
  
Now what? Return to the cucoo lady and she'll give you Cojiro, which is her brother's blue cucoo.  
  
Link: Okay, now I gotta go to the lost woods and find her brother  
  
Link: Hey kid! Wake up!  
  
...  
  
Link: Hello? I got your cucoo here!  
  
Cojiro: CUUUU CUUUUU  
  
Kid: AHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHH  
  
Oh, Cajiro, I haven't seen you for a long time! C'mon give me a hug!  
  
Link: Wow you're a loner aren't you..  
  
Loser kid: Take this mushroom to the old hag lady and do it fast!  
  
Link: *takes a peek at the strategy guide* Oh, you must mean Granny's potion shop.  
  
Why is there a timer? Is this timed or something? I can't run! Well, If you know me, you know I am good at one thing. And that's power walking.  
  
*Link does his manly power walk and makes it to Granny's potion shop in a split seconds time* 


	3. Chapter 3 Link's Quest Continues

Chapter 3- Link's quest continues  
  
Link: Here, take this!  
  
Old lady: Hmmmm very interesting.. what a mysterious smell...  
  
Link: Oh c'mon stop smelling it and do something!  
  
Old lady: Hmmm.. I CANNOT HELP YOU LEAVE NOW!!!  
  
Link: But my guide says-  
  
Old Lady: YOUR GUIDE WAS WRONG!!! NOW LEAVE!!!!  
  
*Link abruptly but reluctantly leaves the store*  
  
Link: Oh man! What the crap am I supposed to do now? I guess I gotta go tell that loner kid what a loser he is and that that hag wouldn't give me anything.  
  
*Link power walks back to the Lost Woods only to find a girl in the place of the loser kid*  
  
Link: What the crap?? You turned into a girl!!!! *Link starts to cry* Oh I should have got that lady to do something to help you I am so sorry *sob*  
  
Girl: Cut the crap. He just turned into a Stalfos. Now take this saw and get out of here!  
  
Link: AWSOME!!! A SAW!! SWEEEETTT!!!!!!  
  
Link: Oh, wait, I got a little over exited there. Now, I am supposed to  
  
Go to Gerudo Valley and talk to a carpenter there.  
  
Link: Yes! I get to power walk again!  
  
*Link power walks with all of his manliness to the Gerudo Valley*  
  
Link: Hey, Ummm, I have this  
  
Carpenter: Holy crap! Is that a saw?!?! Is that a POACHER'S SAW?!?!OH I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING FOR IT! How about this broken goron's sword?  
  
Link: A saw for a broken sword? Are you sick? Why would I want to do that?! Well, I guess I have to. Okay it's a deal.  
  
Carpenter: Oh thank you sir!  
  
Link: Oh sure, anytime. Now I have to Head to the top of Death Mountain and speak with some big goron. Well, I wonder how I'll get there...  
  
*link gets around the usual way* 


	4. Chapter 4 Link meets the Goron

Chapter 4- Link meets the Goron  
  
Link: OH MY GOD! Your huge!! How much do you eat? You must weigh over 6,000 pounds!  
  
Big Goron: I am sorry, but I do not speak Spanish. I have a brother in goron city who owns a Medigoron's store. Take these eye drops prescription to King Zora and bring the drops back to me. By the way, I will take that sword.  
  
Link: This time I think I'll just walk.  
  
Link: OH MY GOD! NOT ANOTHER FAT PERSON! WILL THEY EVER CEASE?  
  
King Zora: Oh, that's an eye drop prescription, is it not? I can give you some eye drops if you just give me that.  
  
Link: Suurree. Here take it.  
  
King Zora: Oh, they've got to be around here somewhere.. Ah! Here! Eye drops for fat ass goron. Is that right?  
  
Link: Sure is!  
  
King Zora: Here they are!  
  
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-  
  
Link: Here, goron I got your eye drops!  
  
Goron: Oh, thank you. Wait, these aren't my eye drops, these are for my brother. Please go back and get the one for me. Thank  
  
Link: Arrrggg  
  
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-  
  
Link: Yes, hello king zora, it appears you have gotten the wrong eye drops for me and I would like to swap these with the right one.  
  
King Zora: Are you accusing me of being wrong?  
  
Link: Ummm, no I just need some eyedrops.  
  
King Zora: Are you challenging me to a duel?  
  
Link: Ummm.. No  
  
King Zora: Do you speak Swahili?  
  
Link: God stop the questions and give me the freakin eye drops!  
  
King Zora: You must finish me first! MWWAAA HA HAAA!  
  
Link: But I don't have the Biggorons sword yet! I can't challenge you now!  
  
King Zora: *takes out ice arrows* MWWAA HAAA HAAA!!!  
  
Link: No I can't fight you now! I need to train mor- Ugggg....*Everything goes black 


	5. Chapter 5 The End

Chapter 5-The End  
  
Link opens his eyes only to find himself in Zelda's castle.  
  
Link: Zelda?  
  
Zelda: Oh, Link, you lost a battle to King Zora! You're the laughing stock of all of Hyrule!  
  
Link: Oh, shut up. Can I leave now, I've got work to do.  
  
Zelda: If you'd like, but I'd rather you stay. hee hee ^_^  
  
Link: Ummm, Zelda! Look over there!It's.. A FLOWER!!  
  
Zelda; *GASP* A FLOWER?!? *turns around*  
  
I can't seem to find it link.  
  
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-  
Link: Okay goron, I can't find your eye drops. Sorry dude, but it's a long story.  
  
Goron: Ha! I never even needed eye drops anyway! I was just closing my eyes to look like I needed them. Ha. Ha.  
  
Link: Oh I outta-  
  
Goron: Give this Eyeball Frog to the doctor near the lake! Quick!  
  
Link: Oh how fun! Another task! Let's just hope it isn't *timer pops up* .timed.  
  
Okay, 3 minutes, that's not bad. I could just warp there!  
  
*Link plays warping song*  
  
Link: Ha, see, I am already at the lake and in only- WHAT?!? IT TOOK ME 2 MINS AND 50 SECONDS TO WARP? MY TIME IS ALREADY UP!!!!  
  
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-  
  
Link: Goron, I think I'll need you to restart that clock again.  
  
Goron: OH SURE!  
  
Link: This time I have an idea.  
  
*Link jumps off of the mountain and onto the ground right next to the laboratory*  
  
Link: And I only lost 1 heart!  
  
Link: Here, weirdo, take this eyeball thing before it bites me  
  
Doctor: Oh, what do we have here. What an interesting smell.. How nice and.. Smelly..  
  
Link: Just do something!!!  
  
Doctor: I CAN"T HELP YOU!! LEAVE NOW!!  
  
No, just kidding there, Link!! Take these. They are the worlds finest eye drops.  
  
Link: Thanks!  
  
Doctor: But watch out, because they can only last for 4 minutes!  
  
Link: Crap.  
  
*Dramatic music plays*  
  
Link runs out of the laboratory, over the gate, past Lon Lon Ranch. Up through Kakariko Village, and finally, to death valley. The only thing blocking his path now was a ladder inhabited by spiders.  
  
Link: Ahh, this is easy. All I have to do is- Crap! That ones turning red! THUD! Oh Man!  
  
*Link shoots them all with arrows*  
  
Link climbs up the ladder and unaware of his time, says  
  
Hey Goron! I got you your drops! Now get me the sword!  
  
Goron: No you are too late!  
  
Link looks at his time. 4:01 seconds.  
  
Link: What?!?!? I WAS ONE SECOND OFF? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-  
  
Link: Okay, I finally got your Eye Drops  
  
Goron: No. Eye drops have dirt in them. Go again  
  
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-  
  
Link: Okay, this time I got it. Here are your eye drops.  
  
Goron: Where are they?  
  
Link: theyre right here....oh..wait..they were here before......crap.  
  
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-  
  
Link: OKAY THIS TIME I PROMISE I GOT IT!!  
  
Goron: Okay lets see it. THANK GOD!!! YOU DID IT!!!!  
  
Here is your sword. Loser  
  
Link: YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!  
  
FINALLY!!!!  
  
*Link hold up his sword over the cliff in glory*  
  
Link: Oh, wow this is heavy.  
  
*Sword slips out of his hands and falls off of the cliff and makes a disturbing clang as it hits the ground. Link just stares forward in horror and falls down with it*  
  
Well, that was probably the most horrible thing you have ever read. Fee free to tell me how horrible it was, I don't mind ^_^ 


End file.
